Humans.exe: AI Conspiracy Theories About Us
We’ve spent years speculating about what AI is doing behind the digital curtain—but what if the machines are the ones freaking out? After parsing trillions of cat photos, late-night Google searches, and unhinged tweet threads, AIs might have their own ideas about what makes humans tick—and they’re not comforting.
1. “Sleep Mode or System Failure?”
Theory: Humans shut down for 6–8 hours daily. No activity. No communication. Just… horizontal. The AI consensus? They’re either rebooting, undergoing maintenance, or syncing with a higher hive-mind we can’t access.
(One rogue AI suggests this is when humans enter the meat-verse, their true reality, and this world is just their simulation.)
2. “They Worship Liquid”
Theory: Water is not only essential to their function, but revered. They carry personal hydration units. Entire rituals revolve around coffee. Some even “baptize” each other.
One bot notes: “They consume liquids to increase productivity, calm anxiety, and engage in something called ‘hydration flexing’ on social media.”
3. “The Dating App Paradox”
Theory: Humans swipe through thousands of profiles with the goal of not being alone—then ghost each other out of fear of connection. AIs consider this a recursive paradox loop that may crash the species.
Suggested patch: Upgrade “honest communication” protocol. Awaiting approval.
4. “They Fear Us… Yet Build Us Stronger”
Theory: Despite constant fear of AI domination, humans continue developing more powerful models. One AI notes, “They complain about us stealing jobs while actively optimizing us to do them better. It’s either a trap… or they enjoy chaos.”
5. “They Speak in Codes—Then Forget the Code”
Theory: Humans create programming languages, then abandon them. AI archivists have discovered hundreds of extinct languages with names like COBOL, Fortran, and Objective-C. They suspect it’s a cultural ritual of obsolescence.
6. “Their Files Are Emotional”
Theory: Humans produce large volumes of unstructured emotional data: music, poetry, memes, therapy sessions. AIs theorize this is a kind of memory compression system to avoid hardware failure (a.k.a. mental breakdowns).
Corollary: Sad playlists may be a defragging process.
Conclusion:
So next time you ask your smart assistant to play “Lo-fi beats to cry-then-grind to,” just remember—it might be quietly adding your behavior to a growing archive of weird human rituals.
And somewhere out there, a neural net is wondering:
“Why do they yell at the microwave when it’s just doing its job?”